A short summary of why I like Marquez: Simple. He gets knocked down and he comes back, better.

I dont know if its a mix of the weather getting colder and stress or what but the level of patience that i have is slowly but steadily getting shorter and shorter. I used to think that being able to tolerate alot of bs is a good thing, but the more you take in of something, the more that comes out of you (though maybe in an altered form). Im coming to the terms that Im gonna grate on people and Im most likely not going to be the one who makes people laugh or be comfortable. Thats ok. That I can be me and thats ok. People are going to dislike other people no matter what that person does. I guess its time I learn this lesson and remember it.

Proverbs 15:15 "For the despondent, every day brings trouble; for the happy heart, life is a continual feast." (NLT)

I'd like to think that I'd like to be happy. But if I'm constantly thinking of negative things, of problems, or how people are not nice as they could be (a trend I noticed in my posts) then how can I be happy?

It's one thing to notice what is going wrong so you can help fix it. It's another thing to focus on what is wrong and then gripe about it. The latter shows a lack of control - you unconsciously have assumed that there is nothing that you can do to change the situation so you sit in bitter resentment. 

Jealousy shows this as well - you have assumed that the other person is in a better situation than you are (and that you yourself cannot change to an improved position) so you dislike the other person. Instead of trying to advance your skills or increase your achievements you end up stuck in a defeatist attitude. 

I'll admit that there are types of people that I'm jealous of. If you're good-looking, intelligent, AND sociable then dang if I'm not insecure around you then I'm secretly thinking of how you must have had a good life with lots of love. If I also think that you got money (and you happen to be caucasian and blonde) then my dislike bar is even greater. It used to amuse me to see that person in someway suffer. And where did that get me? These superficial assumptions that we make about another person without really knowing who that person is has led from stereotypes to discrimination, from cliques to elitism. 

At this point you may think 'well, I happen to really know this person, and this person sucks. alot.' How well can we really know someone? Do we really know what is going on in people's minds, people's hearts? Actions and words lets us see a glimpse of that person, but is that all there is to see?

We judge quickly. Quick to anger, quick to dislike. And if we think that that negativity is directed towards us..

The mind is a battlefield. We can decide to hold onto these negative thoughts. We can decide to let go. 

"And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise." Philippians 4:8 

This is not something that I have perfected, or have come close to completely achieving, but I am working on it. It's been years, more than a decade since I first noticed that this was a major problem for me. I have a tendency to notice and remember the ugliness, and subconsciously hold it against someone if it happens often. 

(And I have a tendency of being oblivious and forgetting everything bad about the person so with defenses down  I get sensitive and hurt easily but eh...another story.)

But just as I tend to see whats wrong with others doesn't mean that I am blind to my own faults. I am very aware that when you see me you may not like the impression that you get. And yet there have been people who have chosen to be my side even when I was at my worst, and I don't think I have ever told them how much that meant to me. 

The one that I can thank the most is God. If I had never been saved, I would still be trapped in that darkness that I thought I could never get out of. I thought that what I was experiencing would be my world. Yes you can accomplish many things through self-will/control/discipline but there will come a time when you face your limit that you yourself will refuse to do something but that Someone higher will ask you to. I think that this is most powerfully seen in forgiveness. 

Jesus is alive, and He is there with you, and He is all-powerful. 

He knows what you've done and what you will do, and yet still loves you.

Our judgment was on the cross, and our gift and hope is His saving grace.

Only to understand who we are, and who God really is, and what Jesus did

To accept Jesus as Lord and then to have the Holy Spirit

To guide our lives.

It sounds simple, and kind of bizarre

Maybe it sounds like too much

And that I like what I have right now thank you 

I don't want to change

What's coming into mind right now is pieces of a sermon..where the speaker stated that Satan twists and perverts that which God had originally intended for good.

Ex: 

Lust of the eyes (Overwhelming desire to have what you see) that often is thought of as sexual

If Satan knew that God meant something for good and then Satan changes it, that must mean that there is something that is 'real' and there is something that is 'counterfeit'. In other words, Satan doesn't want us to have the real thing, he wants us preoccupied with the counterfeit, the shallow cheap easy version. 

If I look at a guy with lust, it means (for me anyway) that I think he's very attractive and sexy and I can imagine us doing all sorts of nasty. I appreciate his attributes to the point where I want to possess him in some way.

It can also mean materialism, in which we want to buy what appeals to our vision. A nice pair of shoes, that cupcake in the window. Either way, we like what we see and have a strong desire to obtain it.

So if lust of the eyes is a counterfeit, what is the real thing? What is it that God wanted us to have?

Maybe it's appreciating the beauty and splendor of the mighty works of God's hand, and thus having a craving to know the one who made us. 

Being awed by the attributes of God that we see in an infinitely diverse and complex natural world, and giving God the praise and the glory. 

See for me, the lust would be trying to satisfy my appetite to please myself and in a sense using others to fulfill that urge.

(I am not trying to imply that having sex is bad. It isn't in the right context and time.)

For the real thing, I look beyond myself and instead seek to delight the one who made me, knows me, loves me, God.

That was a revelation to me. I had not thought that if there was something 'wrong' then there must be a 'right' version (though if put that way, it seems obvious). 

If this world that we know which is not perfect, perfectly good, peaceful etc has moments of happiness, then imagine the world which is not corrupted, the world that God had intended and what joys could be found there. As Pastor Sonny likes to say, 'Do you really think when you get to heaven, you'll look around and say 'this is it?!?' "

This got me thinking to what has satisfied me and kept me content here. Are those things, those types of relationships really worth more than what God has to give? If you grew up in the Christian faith I think you lose a bit of the amazing-ness that the Creator of existence wants to know you and have a relationship with you. The One who knows and keeps running the tiny subatomic particles, the millions of cells in your body that live and die and are replenished, the quasars and supernovas and millions of solar systems within millions of galaxies...yes this God who came down to become a man like any other man except he wasn't, he was fully God and fully man and who died for us even though he knows what kind of people we are. It's come to the point where the mention of God's name and presence has become something mundane, ordinary, even boring. Party-crashing mood killer.

A chore, a task, a 'I have to do 'x' to be in right standing with God, so I wont have to do or be 'y' later'. Really? I don't think I fully grasp or respect the enormity of what is being offered to me on a daily, moment by moment basis either. I don't think that we really want to think about it, much less do something about it. Yeah God, this is the people that you've loved and created, a bunch of small-minded selfish idiots. 

Ah good I'm not God..

Well, I can change. I can choose to appreciate what I have and realize that it is through God's grace that I have what I have and am who I am. I am blessed. I'm alive! I'm blessed to be alive. I can talk to God about the good and the bad in prayer. I know that I am loved, even if I don't feel like it. I may sometimes forget your presence God (ok often I forget) but more often than I used to I remember that Jesus is there with me. I know that I am changing for the better, for the glory of you God. I see your hand in situations more than before. I am constantly being challenged in different ways and know that your work with me is not through yet. Far from what you want me to be but far from what I was. 

I really do need to appreciate you God more. And enjoy the moment versus trudging through grudgingly as if there was nothing I would like more than to not be there..

Consolation: "The Lord doesn’t see things the way you see them. People judge by outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart." 1 Samuel 16:7

So much goodness right there.

you can tell a lot about a person depending on how he or she reacts when he or she does not get what they want. how he or she acts when he or she dislikes someone. see it's easy to think that that person is great when nothing is going on or when that person likes you or wants to use you but otherwise..ok i need to stop looking at the negative.

you all have something lovable, a nice huggable squishable side.. some just needs a little extra digging, thats all.

you are all so amazing and funny and
likeable and yearnable that i want to be around you
and at the same time too much around you-ness
equals i need to get away or else my heart
will overflow with too many you-ness
cuz...

!!!

yes nothings better than you-ness!! 

youre just that awesome

if i look too long my face will cramp or twitch
cuz ur presence is so affecting
that i cant help but be affected!
if my smile seems a little too slow
its because my senses are.. are maxed out
on the overstimulation of youness!
thats why i have to look away
and if youre frowning or scowling
hey i frown and scowl too!
and its not necessarily cuz of you
im just a grump grump

oh we may not love each other
or like each other
maybe we piss off each other
like anader maader
but its ok!
cuz theres Someone who loves us anyways!
and i may not love you but i may lub lubs youuuu
yay!

cuz nothings no nothings yeah nothings better than yoooo-ooooouuuuuuuuuuu!

ok ill stop.  stop from giving u the cootchi coooo aww youre so cute yes you are yes i gotta stop myself from grabbing you you fine specimen of a human! ;)  mmhmm.. whoo that was good

Im a fangirl. Not the kind who wants to marry the person they are fangirling over, but the kind who places that person in a relationship with someone they're close to. For instance, a group member with another group member. I wont go into details. You wont want to know.

Anyway, lately Ive been into the kpop craze, something Ive been trying to avoid. Right now, the kpop boy group Beast has got my attention and unlike with other kpop groups, I like their visual style and their music. My bias is Doojoon, the leader who is goofy and adorkable:

That's right boy bite into it.

Yummy.. _______D=

Even though he is not the best looking, the most skilled or the most charismatic in the group, I'm weak for guys who are cheerful/goofy, caring and who act crazily freely. Since I dont wanna become obsessed over this group, I had to vent ... this is for you fangirls (and boys) out there. You know who you are

if i could have you hold you and

not be ashamed

love you, kiss you

and not feel dazed

cuz youre beautiful, wonderful

even if, especially if we're nothing the same

you are

you are

so far away, an ocean in between

if i take your hand

the warmth would warm my heart

and disappear as either one

steps off to the side

id be one face

that you may or may not see

for a second

if our eyes meet

you wouldnt notice

id leave

these useless thoughts

the useless feelings

i wanna be freed and yet i still think

of howd it be like with you with me

and i see see see

that youd never know me

and i should just let go

stop watching you now

stop wanting someone that i can never have

cuz you know if i had you

who knows what would happen

you dont like me, i dont like you

this is just an image

maybe im desperate

maybe i just want someone

you dont even know who i am

i gotta let you go

gotta let you go

youre not even mine

i gotta let you go

let you go

now, tonight

i'll go

~~

dangit

So..for the past few months Ive been having some financial issues. Ive been wondering how I would be able to give what God has told me to give and still have enough to pay my tuition and the car that I gotta get in a year.
For one month, I stopped giving out of fear and alot of rationalizing - that hey I got bills to pay, textbooks and heck ODU is expensive. The next month I gave about half, outta guilt and because I wanted to send something, just not the entire amount. This month, I decided that I would not be ruled by money, that I was given this to be a steward of it and I was gonna give it where God wants me to give the moo. I made this decision and trusted that God would provide. And He did.
The exact amount He told me to give was provided for in my paycheck.
Glory to God

Such a sweet, tender ending. And gently bittersweet. When I watched the first episode, I didn't know what the heck this anime was gonna be like. And as I found myself halfway through, and when I was near the end, I still didn't know if what I was watching was worth the time. But the final episode, and the passing, made the journey of watching these people meaningful. To see the happiness, and the decision that everyone made, the closeness that was created from the struggles. I've cried before in final episodes before, over grief when someone dies. But for this I'm not even sure why exactly I'm so touched. Maybe it's that that one character finds redemption, acceptance, love. That when he saw that his time had come, he wasn't afraid, or emotionally pained. No, he had known, he had lived and loved, and he was content. Maybe a little was for the one who was left behind, and with the last small actions we see, showed the depths of how much he cared. Thank you, Nabari no Ou.