I still got that anger inside me God. The frustration, the pain, and I cant hide it. I cant pretend that everythings fine. The smallest things can unleash it, and it mostly deals with my inadequacy.

Sometimes I wonder if I hadn’t been a believer, if u would have bothered

That I had to prove myself before you’d even take the chance

To try, to be nice

And even now I still have to prove myself

That its not gonna be ever enough for you

I feel the weight of that burden

To try and be like the rest of ya’ll and I know

For a fact that its not gonna happen

So what now

We’re all different peoples brought together by the single person

But if we weren’t believers, then you wouldn’t couldn’t hear us

Cuz we didn’t make the cut of your cut-out Jesus

We didn’t fit the mold of how you thought people should be and

Im wondering about all the other people out there that people

Don’t think about and people don’t care

What does it take for us to get over ourselves and our preconceptions

And our hate of what’s different from that of our own making

The illusions that keep us separated, mutilated by the imperfections

Of man versus man or woman or the spectrum in between

God called us as one body, His body, owned by the Maker

Of our souls not to recline in repose but to reach out to those

Who wouldn’t have known what life was supposed to be like

We peoples getting caught up in the little things I

Too am one of these caught up in my own miseries the most

Selfish and ungrateful and still belittling myself and others

Stop the cycle, all these cracks and posts and hurtful words

These dirty thoughts, this vitriol that comes oozing out from my heart

God..change me first, change me first

I get angry at the people in church. At what looks like two-faced backstabbing. At the elitism. The hypocrisy. And then I look at myself, and I see such ugly things. Then I think of what people see when they look at me, and how it might not be Christ they're seeing, not your blood but my own. Lecrae's Just Like You reminded me that there are people watching, people looking for something real - and that they might be seeing the exact opposite of Christ in me. The responsibility of being a leader, of being a teacher, a disciple, a follower of Christ. If I can barely handle what is given to me, what does that tell about you? What will people think of Christians everytime I stumble?