if i ever get into bellydancing, it would be something like this:

Since Ive turned 24 today, I probably should write down what ive learned so far and what I am planning to do, to improve for the rest of the year. And I would have, I would have written that a few hours ago. But right now, I didn’t mean to, but im feeling my heart ache..and no its not the fast food or the shake that I ate a few hours ago. My heart aches for love..for someone to love. To love that somebody… I keep praying to God to please remove this feeling, because I want nothing to do with it.

I see your face, and I remember, I remember

All the little moments, little moments that

May not have added to anything, to anything at all

But I still hold onto those thoughts even though they slip

And I reject them, and I reject you, and yet there you still are

Even though there is nothing between us

Even though I want to see you, I don’t want to be with you

How many times you wicked wicked heart have you done this

Falling in love with this, with that, with him, and another him, and another

These transient feelings that drift and change and hurt

That hurt them

You stupid girl, you foolish woman, cruelly thoughtless

This isn’t loneliness, is it? Im not lonely

Im just fine being alone, its preferred really

Im fine just seeing you

I don’t even know what to say, what to do with you

I want to hug you, see you laugh, smile, and be free

I want to grab your tie and pull your face close to mine

I can imagine the kisses, the kids, the sun, the sound of music

The worship from a thousand tongues

A thousand hands held high in prayer and in abandon to God

And us being a part of that holy symphony

I can imagine you being with someone else, someone better suited

Someone that brings you alive, that brings out your best

The two of you laughing and hugging each other

Sitting beside each other in complete comfort

I can see myself with someone else, someone maybe a little more like me

I can see the two of us happy

That’s why I wish this away…

New goal: Run faster, longer!

I still got that anger inside me God. The frustration, the pain, and I cant hide it. I cant pretend that everythings fine. The smallest things can unleash it, and it mostly deals with my inadequacy.

Sometimes I wonder if I hadn’t been a believer, if u would have bothered

That I had to prove myself before you’d even take the chance

To try, to be nice

And even now I still have to prove myself

That its not gonna be ever enough for you

I feel the weight of that burden

To try and be like the rest of ya’ll and I know

For a fact that its not gonna happen

So what now

We’re all different peoples brought together by the single person

But if we weren’t believers, then you wouldn’t couldn’t hear us

Cuz we didn’t make the cut of your cut-out Jesus

We didn’t fit the mold of how you thought people should be and

Im wondering about all the other people out there that people

Don’t think about and people don’t care

What does it take for us to get over ourselves and our preconceptions

And our hate of what’s different from that of our own making

The illusions that keep us separated, mutilated by the imperfections

Of man versus man or woman or the spectrum in between

God called us as one body, His body, owned by the Maker

Of our souls not to recline in repose but to reach out to those

Who wouldn’t have known what life was supposed to be like

We peoples getting caught up in the little things I

Too am one of these caught up in my own miseries the most

Selfish and ungrateful and still belittling myself and others

Stop the cycle, all these cracks and posts and hurtful words

These dirty thoughts, this vitriol that comes oozing out from my heart

God..change me first, change me first

I get angry at the people in church. At what looks like two-faced backstabbing. At the elitism. The hypocrisy. And then I look at myself, and I see such ugly things. Then I think of what people see when they look at me, and how it might not be Christ they're seeing, not your blood but my own. Lecrae's Just Like You reminded me that there are people watching, people looking for something real - and that they might be seeing the exact opposite of Christ in me. The responsibility of being a leader, of being a teacher, a disciple, a follower of Christ. If I can barely handle what is given to me, what does that tell about you? What will people think of Christians everytime I stumble? 

Been going through some issues. Can't live or go through life without coming across the rivers that you have to cross, the potholes that are too big that you can't drive around during rush hour. Im 23 and Ill be 24 in less than a week, and Im looking back and thinking of what Ive done and what I am planning to do. What does God really want from me? There is what Rick Warren calls the Great Commandment and the Great Commission. Right now Im just asking you God what path it is that you want me to take, clear my steps, be a light a lamp unto my feet. One step at a time. But a part of me wants to know the road, to be able to see the destination (besides heaven), the vision. Maybe this is an excuse, but I feel like I cant really live until I know.

Gotta keep my mind on Christ, otherwise

when im off that mountain’s high

Im swaying at the edge of my familiar abyss

One foot already sliding down

Mind already halfway under

I wonder how much trust how much faith I really have

That I take things the way they are and passively

Be misbelievin

That what I got now is what will always be

When will I see myself as having worth in your eyes

This fear’s got a grip on my mind and body

I fall so easily and I rely too much on my testimony

These walls that you torn down im still placing the bricks

Still walking around sick as if you cant heal me

I don’t wanna be weak when im needed

Acting like your death on the cross didn’t redeem us

Ive been hearing about fruits of the Spirit and find myself

Wondering again and again if im cutting it, if im still lacking

I know compared to your perfection I  aint nothing

But I wanted people to see you in me and if they see my scars

That they see that you aint a band-aid, that ive been purchased

By your blood, by your stripes, by the cross

That ive been healed, sealed, written on your hands

And these doubts and fears are erased daily, hourly, minutely

By the Son of Man

^Wrote (mind splattered) that last night and part of this morning. 

I also want a mentor, someone I can bounce ideas off freely without judgement, who I can get guidance from. A role model, someone I can relate to. My mind tells me that Jesus should be enough but I also want someone that I can speak to and get a quick answer in return (is that blasphemous? maybe). For the longest time, I looked at the women in my life and thought that I didnt want to be like them. I looked at my parents and saw their faults, and defined them by that, no matter how wrong that was. So I turned to guys, to anime and manga characters, and modeled my behavior by them. I dont think there is anything wrong by that, but..its not enough.

Hello ya'll.. this is me, unedited. I have this urge to tell the world what I think, what I feel, regardless of the worth of the idea expressed. Maybe this is cowardice, that I'm not telling you this face-to-face but hiding behind the screen. Ahh, well.

Why not have a journal that you physically write down the words? Why? Cuz it takes too long, really. It's quaint and nostalgic, but when I need to freethink the keyboard is more efficient. Plus, there is a chance that someone may see this and think - hey, I thought the same thing. I might be able to impact someone else who's been struggling in a Christ-glorifying, positive way.

So, who am I? Ive been struggling with the idea of my identity for a while now. Not the main label that I fall under but all the sub-genres and more minute aspects of who makes me, me. I know that I am a child of Christ, the one Creator, the great I Am. That's all that you really need to know. The rest will come and go.