Alright so I finally check up on where one of the kids I sponsor lives and judging from the name of the bible center, he comes from an aeta tribe in the P.i.

Now I've heard of these people before, my mom and dad talking about these small dark people who live in the mountains and who were in the Philippines before all the other (Malay?) peeps moved in. Wiki'ed them and google imaged and - man the kids are so cute and adorable. My kid maybe a little more cute than the rest of them haha. So what if they have dark skin and curly hair? Tan, pale, who cares?

I chose him because of his last name - Handog. Reminded me of the term 'hangdog'. But his picture looked anything but. He looked like he was a little rebellious. He looked like a fighter.

I didn't want people to judge him by his name, or guessing from the picture, his small stature. I want him to grow up strong, to become a great leader, to go back to his parents who are living in a tribe and to tell them that hey, there is one God out there, He gave His son Jesus, and He died and rose from the dead on a cross to save you, and He has saved me. Just how amazing would that be???? It would be great to meet him and the rest of his folks one day.

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Looking up these pictures makes me proud of my heritage. So many different dialects, styles of traditional dress, etc. It makes me sad when we 2nd gen filipinos/as put down our culture, like its a lesser one than say that of Japan or S. Korea. There's nothing to be ashamed of being pinoy! Now to learn the language..aheheh

God is so good. I've been wondering how I was going to pay tuition, help out if needed at home, and still do what God told me to do with my money and still have enough. But just as He provided me my first job, He provided me my second =) I can honestly say, that I did nothing to deserve either.

Lately, He has been working on my attitude, cuz let's face it, my attitude sucks. I get negative and cynical pretty quickly. I may not speak many curses, but I dont speak many blessings either. I want to have that 'can-do' attitude, that persistence, determination and optimism that many shounen main manga characters have, you know those guys with the spiky hair and wide smiles who are doing crazy things despite the situation and common sense. I want to be that kinda crazy

If I give in to the thought that everywhere I go I'll be hated, I'm letting the devil win.
If I give in to the thought that I cannot change, I'm letting the devil win.
If I give in to the thought that the past is who I am, I'm letting the devil win.
If I give in to the thought that I should just avoid people again, I'm letting the devil win.
If I give in to the thought that I'm the one who makes people miserable and therefore should not exist in their presence, I'm letting the devil win.
If I give in to the thought that just because the present is like this thus I cannot do anything about it, I'm letting the devil win.

I'm not holding anything against anyone. I don't know what happened, but there is a strange mood in the church. A feeling of hurt and animosity, and maybe Im just incredibly self-conceited but I feel like it's because of me. I hate that feeling.

When I came to koinoinia or however you spell it on Wednesday night, as the worship songs filled the room, I felt like a beggar walking into the presence of angels. I felt like what I had done on Monday night was known by everyone and I felt ashamed and guilty. Whether that's true or not I dont know, since I didnt bother to ask why people didn't look as happy as they did before.

I got a similar feeling walking in this morning. Of being unworthy to stand in the presence of God. I felt, acutely, the lack of love in my heart. That I had not been walking with Him as I had before. I had stepped back, stumbled along the way and I knew - I know that I needed Him, desperately.

My devotion yesterday was about getting through the disagreeable moments with God. Today's is about rising to whatever occasion I might find myself in with God by choosing to manifest Jesus - that no I could not work my salvation but yes I could choose to express the Jesus within me.

Stuff put to the challenge yesterday, that ultimately led me to walking out of the house, mostly to cool down. Usually, when my mom gets upset, it doesnt bother me that much, but lately it has been. Maybe its the thought that I cant leave the house to do something or do whatever it was that I had planned since she's now there all the time, unless I make up something acceptable, like I have work. Maybe it was because her comments were either trying to control what I was doing by telling me I could do this or I couldnt do that or she was criticizing and threatening me the other half of the time. Small things, but I couldnt handle it. So after telling her what was on my mind and getting slapped a few times, when she kept telling me to leave the house, I did.

Completely failed my devotion there. I walked around, sat down on an island of grass, got bit by mosquitoes, knew that if I was going to run away that what I was doing was foolish, thought about what I would have to do.  Got rained on and felt my anger and irritation disappear. Just felt tired. As I decided to walk out of the housing district and thought about which building to go to, my dad appeared in the van. Felt my pride and stubborness flare up, but when he said he wanted to talk, I came to him. And so I apologized to my mom for my behavior, and felt ashamed for having caused a commotion that got the family upset.

So this is what happens when I rely on my own strength. When I was getting upset, I forgot to talk to God to see what He wanted like I had a few times before and instead became increasingly selfish and discontent. I felt like I couldnt do what I had to do, like at work or in other places where I dont socialize out of fear, awkwardness, plain ignorance, lack of social skills, or a stubborness not to (this is who I am, dont try to change me kinda attitude). When all I had to do was look towards God.

At the risk of sounding like a paranoid conspiracist:

In a yahoo article about red snappers in the Gulf of Mexico having black bands and sores on their bodies due to the oil spill or the agents used to clean up the waters, a commenter joked that McDonalds was now going to give free/cheap deals on a McFish sandwich to get rid of the diseased fish.

So when I started seeing the free deals on those Burger King coupons about burgers, my mind started twitching about why they would do such a thing (besides to get more customers). It didnt help that I heard on the NPR news that there was a case of a dairy cow with mad cow disease but that it was 'proven' as an isolated case on the April of this year. It also didnt help that I saw more restaurants also doing the buy one burger get another free deals (trying not to drop behind Burger King, eh). Yes, there are other free deals as well, and maybe the chances of actually contracting the disease is pretty low, but I dont love burgers enough to risk it.

My mom lost her job today... and I know we'll be fine. Because God said that 'No one will be able to stand up against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you.' Josh 1:5. Same goes with what goes on at work, no matter what happens, I know that God cares for me and 'causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.' Rom 8:28.

And coming to purpose. I have the opportunity to go to a missions trip to Mexico for a week and Im wondering if its worth it. There is no joy in going if I know that the money that I saved up will be better used to help my parents out or for the church's mission center. I got the time off approved at work. I got my mom's permission. But I dont have the urgency. I know that if I dont go this year, I can go next year - it doesnt have to be Mexico, it doesnt have to be with the same organization. Im kind of winging it, that if I get the money saved by the deadline then I'll go. I also feel reluctant to tell other people about the trip..I dont want them getting these high expectations of me that I cant fill, I dont want it to be declared in front of everyone x_x are those loser-ish thoughts?

As I looked for some verses online that dealt with our financial situation, I came across Isaiah 42:16: 

I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them.

Some wonderful stuff right there, got my inner spirit tingling. I mean, how can you fear when you've got such a mighty promise from an awe-full and all-powerful God? Gotta memorize these verses so I can use them since my mental file of verses is moot and I dont wanna spend all those times suppressing a panic-mode from reoccurring. All these promises that Im not holding onto, foolish really..

While trying to see the context of ^ I came across some more tastiness:

'I, the Lord, have called you in righteousness; I will take hold of your hand. I will keep you and will make you to be a covenant for the people and a light for the Gentiles, to open the eyes that are blind, to free captives from prison and to release from the dungeon those who sit in darkness'. Isaiah 42: 6-7 

Sure God, take my hand anytime =) Those words are not the words of someone who sees me as filth, those are the words of love that show me a world where I can be a part of mighty things to be done, chains released, demons vanquished for the one and only I Am -

'I am the Lord; that is my name! I will not yield my glory to another or my praise to idols. See, the former things have taken place, and new things I declare; before they spring into being I announce them to you'. Isaiah 42: 8-9

whooo! nothing and no one compares

This is gonna come off as incredibly conceited ...

I have no friekin idea why guys like me so stop attacking me. It's not like I'm flirting with them for )#*@)*#@__@@. Trust me, I dont see what the big deal is either

(sorry for spoilers if anyone is late in coming across this in the series)

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but this picture pretty much sums up how i want my life to be like

I feel like I'm at a stage where I need to excuse myself. Excuse me, I didn't mean to appear standoff-ish, cold or distant. Sorry, I didn't mean to make you look bad. No, I'm not trying to point a finger at everyone and complain about how much they suck. I'm fully aware that what I've been through aint nothing - compared to others. Im also not going to do what I did in the past and act like what ive been through aint nothing either. As I look back, those moments where I felt captive as Pastor Mike mentions were not in vain. I learned some things about myself that I needed to change, and I learned how to get out of those traps with the amazing wonderful God Almighty. I got tougher and stronger, not to say that I did, but to ready myself for the next step and to tell others who have been in similar situations the way out - Christ.

It just makes me sad or angry when I see people act the way they do sometimes. I'm not trying to be the judgmental Hand of God or the self-righteous Christian. I dont think Im better than anybody. I usually tend to think Im worse than others. It does piss me off when I see people act like theyre better than everyone else. Or that they gotta put someone down to feel better. But whatever.


I think that sometimes, when we've gone through something and see others struggle with something and speak about how they feel they cant handle it that we look down on them. 'Oh, bull you think that's bad??? Tch, that aint nothing.' Just cuz everyone 'goes through it' or has to deal with it doesnt mean that it's wrong to talk about it. Cuz talking about it really means (at least in my head) that you're admitting you need help, not necessarily that you're expecting help from the people you are talking to but that you need someone to know and let you know that it'll be ok. Right? And there's nothing wrong with needing help. Or is it that people are so tired of negativity that they'd rather not talk or hear about it? 'You wanna complain about your bf you better carry your tail back on where you've came from cuz you're ruining my mood'. Like that? o_O


There's this burden, pressure that I need to do something, say something, that the way Im living right now is not enough. I sense people's expectations, and I'm tempted to respond to that instead of because I have to, want to, need to in order to grow deeper in God. It feels good to find that what used to bother me I am no longer as affected by - still sensitive, but hopefully more sensitive towards what God wants me to be tender-hearted towards and not towards my pride and self-esteem crying like a lil wussy.

The closer I get to you, oh God, the more of myself I despise. This flesh that is so weak that when I hear you tell me to do something, I refuse and am happy in my disobedience. I'm torn between wanting to tell everyone about Jesus and being trapped on how to do it -  as soon as I feel the urge a wall slams my nerves down and I cant move. So I sit or stand awkwardly, silently waiting for something to happen, for either me or the other person to leave. When I see someone less than happy, I want to do something but shuffle between indecision and ignorance of how to approach. I'm still in that cage of fear, and I hate it. There are times when Im free, but when I need to make the first move towards someone or open up I usually end up freaking out instead. Ive been set free, free, FREE to be the 'head, not the tail. If you pay attention to the commands of the LORD your God that I give you this day and carefully follow them, you will always be at the top, never at the bottom.' Deut 28:13. Not the worm that i often see myself as.

Now Im making it seem all negative when really this week was amazing. Seeing your hand in your creation, in the nuances and details of nature, reading about how to be more like you. Overcoming trials and hopefully bringing glory to you meanwhile. Enjoying your presence. Hopefully becoming more of what you wanted me to be - more like you.

I know Im so far from that. That if you look at me, you may not think the best things about me. You might think that I'm so far from what a Christian should be that I have no right to call myself one. You might think, 'whats the big fuss about?' Thats fine with me...see cuz the one I should be pleasing is God, which is such a tremendous goal when you think about all that entails, all that He asks which is everything, and such a relief.