I dont know why Im like this, why Im becoming more and more like this. Ill complain to you, my dear, because no one should have to suffer through my negativities. There are far more pressing troubles that other people have to deal with than my minor issues.

More and more, Im finding myself not wanting to be around anyone. It doesnt matter who they are-but that is a lie. Im (relatively) fine with strangers, but become uncomfortable around people who know me or I them. Its not right for me to be like this. Im torn between wanting to love people, wanting to be around people but unnoticed, to wanting to not be around anybody. The last one has been winning so far, and when it does I feel the vacuum, the lack of love towards the very ones I should be loving the most, which is everybody. So many excuses of why I cannot willnot.

I dont want to be like this. Of feeling trapped in a room of people, trapped in a conversation (if you could call it that), insecure, apathetic, drained. Of feeling secure and content, alone. When someone comes and approaches me, stepping out of their way to come talk to me and me panicking or shutting down. It's so selfish and childish, that I feel ashamed. If I do something nice, Holy Spirit help me, I'd want it to be anonymous. I hate it when someone comes to me with a smile and because Im not feeling up to talking I end up trying to fake a smile and a convo instead of feeling sincerely grateful and appreciative of this person. And then you know, doing my part by coming up to someone else and trying to get to know them. Not this hollow life-less being that Ive become and been.

Where is God seen in all of this? Im not surprised that many dont like me, heck I dont like me either. It used to hurt alot when someone didnt want me around, sometimes it still does, but I dont feel anything anymore not from a sense of maturity but from a sense of not wanting to be there either. And even that is half true, its a tangled sense of wanting to be there, that I should be doing something, talking and getting to know the people that Im with to wanting to escape out into the open where I can see the sky and feel the breeze and feel free. And I know that that is not how I should be feeling, people are not threats, the real threat is the ideas that seep into our subconscious, the lies fed by Satan that I am most likely wallowing in.

I want to say that this non-social solitary me is me, a large part of me, so screw you if you dont like it. It is me, has been since as far as I can remember when I read books instead of playing house in kindergarden. I like being alone outside, taking a walk and seeing the splendor of the almighty Creator, reading a book. But God didnt save me and keep me here so that I can selfishly fulfill my needs. He wants and knows I can become a better person, to be better used by him. I know that too, thus the struggle and guilt and shame. I need to find a balance, of enjoying time being alone to enjoying being with other people. Maybe learn to enjoy talking-tchyeahhh. Putting others' needs first.

Im the doubtful man asking from God, a wave tossed in the ocean as what the book James says and what Pastor Mike talked about today. What I had planned on doing today with cbs was thrown out because I didnt have the guts to approach, I got pessimistic, I could physically feel my walls slamming down around me. I need to become what Matt preached about on Friday, about seeking out God and doing His will and becoming a blessing to those around me. Where is my faith, that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me? The trust that God will shine in my weaknesses?