If I give in to the thought that everywhere I go I'll be hated, I'm letting the devil win.
If I give in to the thought that I cannot change, I'm letting the devil win.
If I give in to the thought that the past is who I am, I'm letting the devil win.
If I give in to the thought that I should just avoid people again, I'm letting the devil win.
If I give in to the thought that I'm the one who makes people miserable and therefore should not exist in their presence, I'm letting the devil win.
If I give in to the thought that just because the present is like this thus I cannot do anything about it, I'm letting the devil win.

I'm not holding anything against anyone. I don't know what happened, but there is a strange mood in the church. A feeling of hurt and animosity, and maybe Im just incredibly self-conceited but I feel like it's because of me. I hate that feeling.

When I came to koinoinia or however you spell it on Wednesday night, as the worship songs filled the room, I felt like a beggar walking into the presence of angels. I felt like what I had done on Monday night was known by everyone and I felt ashamed and guilty. Whether that's true or not I dont know, since I didnt bother to ask why people didn't look as happy as they did before.

I got a similar feeling walking in this morning. Of being unworthy to stand in the presence of God. I felt, acutely, the lack of love in my heart. That I had not been walking with Him as I had before. I had stepped back, stumbled along the way and I knew - I know that I needed Him, desperately.