Tuesday, May 15, 2012

My devotion yesterday was about getting through the disagreeable moments with God. Today's is about rising to whatever occasion I might find myself in with God by choosing to manifest Jesus - that no I could not work my salvation but yes I could choose to express the Jesus within me.

Stuff put to the challenge yesterday, that ultimately led me to walking out of the house, mostly to cool down. Usually, when my mom gets upset, it doesnt bother me that much, but lately it has been. Maybe its the thought that I cant leave the house to do something or do whatever it was that I had planned since she's now there all the time, unless I make up something acceptable, like I have work. Maybe it was because her comments were either trying to control what I was doing by telling me I could do this or I couldnt do that or she was criticizing and threatening me the other half of the time. Small things, but I couldnt handle it. So after telling her what was on my mind and getting slapped a few times, when she kept telling me to leave the house, I did.

Completely failed my devotion there. I walked around, sat down on an island of grass, got bit by mosquitoes, knew that if I was going to run away that what I was doing was foolish, thought about what I would have to do.  Got rained on and felt my anger and irritation disappear. Just felt tired. As I decided to walk out of the housing district and thought about which building to go to, my dad appeared in the van. Felt my pride and stubborness flare up, but when he said he wanted to talk, I came to him. And so I apologized to my mom for my behavior, and felt ashamed for having caused a commotion that got the family upset.

So this is what happens when I rely on my own strength. When I was getting upset, I forgot to talk to God to see what He wanted like I had a few times before and instead became increasingly selfish and discontent. I felt like I couldnt do what I had to do, like at work or in other places where I dont socialize out of fear, awkwardness, plain ignorance, lack of social skills, or a stubborness not to (this is who I am, dont try to change me kinda attitude). When all I had to do was look towards God.

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