Been going through some issues. Can't live or go through life without coming across the rivers that you have to cross, the potholes that are too big that you can't drive around during rush hour. Im 23 and Ill be 24 in less than a week, and Im looking back and thinking of what Ive done and what I am planning to do. What does God really want from me? There is what Rick Warren calls the Great Commandment and the Great Commission. Right now Im just asking you God what path it is that you want me to take, clear my steps, be a light a lamp unto my feet. One step at a time. But a part of me wants to know the road, to be able to see the destination (besides heaven), the vision. Maybe this is an excuse, but I feel like I cant really live until I know.

Gotta keep my mind on Christ, otherwise

when im off that mountain’s high

Im swaying at the edge of my familiar abyss

One foot already sliding down

Mind already halfway under

I wonder how much trust how much faith I really have

That I take things the way they are and passively

Be misbelievin

That what I got now is what will always be

When will I see myself as having worth in your eyes

This fear’s got a grip on my mind and body

I fall so easily and I rely too much on my testimony

These walls that you torn down im still placing the bricks

Still walking around sick as if you cant heal me

I don’t wanna be weak when im needed

Acting like your death on the cross didn’t redeem us

Ive been hearing about fruits of the Spirit and find myself

Wondering again and again if im cutting it, if im still lacking

I know compared to your perfection I  aint nothing

But I wanted people to see you in me and if they see my scars

That they see that you aint a band-aid, that ive been purchased

By your blood, by your stripes, by the cross

That ive been healed, sealed, written on your hands

And these doubts and fears are erased daily, hourly, minutely

By the Son of Man

^Wrote (mind splattered) that last night and part of this morning. 

I also want a mentor, someone I can bounce ideas off freely without judgement, who I can get guidance from. A role model, someone I can relate to. My mind tells me that Jesus should be enough but I also want someone that I can speak to and get a quick answer in return (is that blasphemous? maybe). For the longest time, I looked at the women in my life and thought that I didnt want to be like them. I looked at my parents and saw their faults, and defined them by that, no matter how wrong that was. So I turned to guys, to anime and manga characters, and modeled my behavior by them. I dont think there is anything wrong by that, but..its not enough.