Dear God help me, cuz I need it.

It is too too easy, to hate certain people. Im talking people who act friendly to your face, but as soon as they get in a group of their own they tear you down. Im talking two-faced people who are too afraid to come to you when they have an issue with you, so they talk smack about you AND they get others to do it too. People who you thought were decent, well surprise. Well, I shouldn't be surprised, I should have learned long ago not to trust a smiling person just cuz they seem friendly.

When I got in the car, the song playing was talking about forgiveness and another about not quitting in the situation. Im not going to let this affect me more than it already has. Yeah, I get crap from work with people who try to keep me from advancing. They want to keep me trapped or they want me quitting. I'll admit, there's things that I've done wrong. Sometimes I gave people nasty looks without meaning to, with no malice or ill intent behind it. Sometimes the things I say or do can be misinterpreted negatively. And if you want to hate me and get your buddies to do it too, you're not the first. And you're not the only ones whom I've outlasted. I might be sad now, hurt cuz some part of me trusted you, but I learn from my mistakes. Im not gonna stop what I have to do. God help me cuz I want to be resentful and strike back and be just as nasty and cruel as you. But that'd be sin winning, and I don't want any part of that. It's more than church. It's more than doing what's right. I don't want that darkness staining me no matter how much I'm surrounded by it. I'm here asking what would Jesus would want me to do. I know some people will say 'confront them, attack them back. Don't let them get away with it'. Others would say 'ignore them. They're not worth it'.

Forgiveness. When nothing was wrong, I thought it was easy. I thought how hard could it be, for a mom to forgive the person who killed her daughter in a drunk driving accident? In the heat of the moment, it was the hardest thing to do. The hardest when you haven't done anything and yet you know, that you can't hold this bitterness against them. Well, time to bake some lemon cookies tomorrow ^^


Note: At bible reading with the fam tonight, on my turn to read out loud I came across this verse

Proverbs 9: 7-9


7 Anyone who rebukes a mocker will get an insult in return.
    Anyone who corrects the wicked will get hurt.
8 So don’t bother correcting mockers;
    they will only hate you.
But correct the wise,
    and they will love you.
9 Instruct the wise,
    and they will be even wiser.
Teach the righteous,
    and they will learn even more.


God answers =)  Thank you so much Jesus

thank you juu too!!


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I never knew..that heating up rice vinegar would smell like the sweat you get on your feet when you wear cheap leather sandals in the sun. Or the smell of dried period blood after a heavy night. Ughh... the smell is permeating the house..please don't stick on me D=

Today is apparently meant to be a day of self-critique. When I think of how when people see me and know that I believe in Christ, I cringe. I can see it now..that look of "Uhuh. Right. Mmhmm Christ. Tch look at you. I dont want to be anything like you. I dont need your God. You're probably one of those self-righteous stuck up people. Yeah, I see you judging me. You dont know shat." 

How can someone like me be used? Heck I cant even keep my facial expressions straight much less my tone of voice and attitude. Someone ugly like me, that no one would feel the love of Jesus much less want to hear about it. You dont have to be around me for long to know how unloving I can be. Im not someone that you would want to hang out with.

So what then? What does this say, about God? After despairing about it on the way home, I found an answer that I should have known deep in my heart already. Instead of me being a horrible splotch on God's name, I'm proof of how loving He is. That even someone as unlovable as me is loved by God. That's right, I'm not looking down on you and neither is He. He knows our faults and He knows our sins and He loves us despite all of that, wants us to become the people that He meant us to become, to accept what He did on the cross through Jesus to redeem us from..us. From what we've become through sin. 

I still see my impurities, they are obvious and in my face and they come out in contact with others. I see how ugly I am when I'm around other people, especially with people I don't really like, especially around people who don't really like me. It's nasty stuff, and I despise it. I hate the parts of me that I don't let Jesus have control over, and guess what, I'm too stubborn and afraid and I stick to what I've been doing instead of trusting the one who made me. It's gonna be hard to break the habit. But I'm forgiven and I've been cleansed by the blood of someone who knew me and loved me so much that he died for me, that I wouldn't have to suffer if only I believe. This is the real love, this is the kind of love I hope to know so much that I'm filled to overflowing and that love spills and washes over others. 

I dont know why Im like this, why Im becoming more and more like this. Ill complain to you, my dear, because no one should have to suffer through my negativities. There are far more pressing troubles that other people have to deal with than my minor issues.

More and more, Im finding myself not wanting to be around anyone. It doesnt matter who they are-but that is a lie. Im (relatively) fine with strangers, but become uncomfortable around people who know me or I them. Its not right for me to be like this. Im torn between wanting to love people, wanting to be around people but unnoticed, to wanting to not be around anybody. The last one has been winning so far, and when it does I feel the vacuum, the lack of love towards the very ones I should be loving the most, which is everybody. So many excuses of why I cannot willnot.

I dont want to be like this. Of feeling trapped in a room of people, trapped in a conversation (if you could call it that), insecure, apathetic, drained. Of feeling secure and content, alone. When someone comes and approaches me, stepping out of their way to come talk to me and me panicking or shutting down. It's so selfish and childish, that I feel ashamed. If I do something nice, Holy Spirit help me, I'd want it to be anonymous. I hate it when someone comes to me with a smile and because Im not feeling up to talking I end up trying to fake a smile and a convo instead of feeling sincerely grateful and appreciative of this person. And then you know, doing my part by coming up to someone else and trying to get to know them. Not this hollow life-less being that Ive become and been.

Where is God seen in all of this? Im not surprised that many dont like me, heck I dont like me either. It used to hurt alot when someone didnt want me around, sometimes it still does, but I dont feel anything anymore not from a sense of maturity but from a sense of not wanting to be there either. And even that is half true, its a tangled sense of wanting to be there, that I should be doing something, talking and getting to know the people that Im with to wanting to escape out into the open where I can see the sky and feel the breeze and feel free. And I know that that is not how I should be feeling, people are not threats, the real threat is the ideas that seep into our subconscious, the lies fed by Satan that I am most likely wallowing in.

I want to say that this non-social solitary me is me, a large part of me, so screw you if you dont like it. It is me, has been since as far as I can remember when I read books instead of playing house in kindergarden. I like being alone outside, taking a walk and seeing the splendor of the almighty Creator, reading a book. But God didnt save me and keep me here so that I can selfishly fulfill my needs. He wants and knows I can become a better person, to be better used by him. I know that too, thus the struggle and guilt and shame. I need to find a balance, of enjoying time being alone to enjoying being with other people. Maybe learn to enjoy talking-tchyeahhh. Putting others' needs first.

Im the doubtful man asking from God, a wave tossed in the ocean as what the book James says and what Pastor Mike talked about today. What I had planned on doing today with cbs was thrown out because I didnt have the guts to approach, I got pessimistic, I could physically feel my walls slamming down around me. I need to become what Matt preached about on Friday, about seeking out God and doing His will and becoming a blessing to those around me. Where is my faith, that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me? The trust that God will shine in my weaknesses?