A short summary of why I like Marquez: Simple. He gets knocked down and he comes back, better.

I dont know if its a mix of the weather getting colder and stress or what but the level of patience that i have is slowly but steadily getting shorter and shorter. I used to think that being able to tolerate alot of bs is a good thing, but the more you take in of something, the more that comes out of you (though maybe in an altered form). Im coming to the terms that Im gonna grate on people and Im most likely not going to be the one who makes people laugh or be comfortable. Thats ok. That I can be me and thats ok. People are going to dislike other people no matter what that person does. I guess its time I learn this lesson and remember it.

Proverbs 15:15 "For the despondent, every day brings trouble; for the happy heart, life is a continual feast." (NLT)

I'd like to think that I'd like to be happy. But if I'm constantly thinking of negative things, of problems, or how people are not nice as they could be (a trend I noticed in my posts) then how can I be happy?

It's one thing to notice what is going wrong so you can help fix it. It's another thing to focus on what is wrong and then gripe about it. The latter shows a lack of control - you unconsciously have assumed that there is nothing that you can do to change the situation so you sit in bitter resentment. 

Jealousy shows this as well - you have assumed that the other person is in a better situation than you are (and that you yourself cannot change to an improved position) so you dislike the other person. Instead of trying to advance your skills or increase your achievements you end up stuck in a defeatist attitude. 

I'll admit that there are types of people that I'm jealous of. If you're good-looking, intelligent, AND sociable then dang if I'm not insecure around you then I'm secretly thinking of how you must have had a good life with lots of love. If I also think that you got money (and you happen to be caucasian and blonde) then my dislike bar is even greater. It used to amuse me to see that person in someway suffer. And where did that get me? These superficial assumptions that we make about another person without really knowing who that person is has led from stereotypes to discrimination, from cliques to elitism. 

At this point you may think 'well, I happen to really know this person, and this person sucks. alot.' How well can we really know someone? Do we really know what is going on in people's minds, people's hearts? Actions and words lets us see a glimpse of that person, but is that all there is to see?

We judge quickly. Quick to anger, quick to dislike. And if we think that that negativity is directed towards us..

The mind is a battlefield. We can decide to hold onto these negative thoughts. We can decide to let go. 

"And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise." Philippians 4:8 

This is not something that I have perfected, or have come close to completely achieving, but I am working on it. It's been years, more than a decade since I first noticed that this was a major problem for me. I have a tendency to notice and remember the ugliness, and subconsciously hold it against someone if it happens often. 

(And I have a tendency of being oblivious and forgetting everything bad about the person so with defenses down  I get sensitive and hurt easily but eh...another story.)

But just as I tend to see whats wrong with others doesn't mean that I am blind to my own faults. I am very aware that when you see me you may not like the impression that you get. And yet there have been people who have chosen to be my side even when I was at my worst, and I don't think I have ever told them how much that meant to me. 

The one that I can thank the most is God. If I had never been saved, I would still be trapped in that darkness that I thought I could never get out of. I thought that what I was experiencing would be my world. Yes you can accomplish many things through self-will/control/discipline but there will come a time when you face your limit that you yourself will refuse to do something but that Someone higher will ask you to. I think that this is most powerfully seen in forgiveness. 

Jesus is alive, and He is there with you, and He is all-powerful. 

He knows what you've done and what you will do, and yet still loves you.

Our judgment was on the cross, and our gift and hope is His saving grace.

Only to understand who we are, and who God really is, and what Jesus did

To accept Jesus as Lord and then to have the Holy Spirit

To guide our lives.

It sounds simple, and kind of bizarre

Maybe it sounds like too much

And that I like what I have right now thank you 

I don't want to change

What's coming into mind right now is pieces of a sermon..where the speaker stated that Satan twists and perverts that which God had originally intended for good.

Ex: 

Lust of the eyes (Overwhelming desire to have what you see) that often is thought of as sexual

If Satan knew that God meant something for good and then Satan changes it, that must mean that there is something that is 'real' and there is something that is 'counterfeit'. In other words, Satan doesn't want us to have the real thing, he wants us preoccupied with the counterfeit, the shallow cheap easy version. 

If I look at a guy with lust, it means (for me anyway) that I think he's very attractive and sexy and I can imagine us doing all sorts of nasty. I appreciate his attributes to the point where I want to possess him in some way.

It can also mean materialism, in which we want to buy what appeals to our vision. A nice pair of shoes, that cupcake in the window. Either way, we like what we see and have a strong desire to obtain it.

So if lust of the eyes is a counterfeit, what is the real thing? What is it that God wanted us to have?

Maybe it's appreciating the beauty and splendor of the mighty works of God's hand, and thus having a craving to know the one who made us. 

Being awed by the attributes of God that we see in an infinitely diverse and complex natural world, and giving God the praise and the glory. 

See for me, the lust would be trying to satisfy my appetite to please myself and in a sense using others to fulfill that urge.

(I am not trying to imply that having sex is bad. It isn't in the right context and time.)

For the real thing, I look beyond myself and instead seek to delight the one who made me, knows me, loves me, God.

That was a revelation to me. I had not thought that if there was something 'wrong' then there must be a 'right' version (though if put that way, it seems obvious). 

If this world that we know which is not perfect, perfectly good, peaceful etc has moments of happiness, then imagine the world which is not corrupted, the world that God had intended and what joys could be found there. As Pastor Sonny likes to say, 'Do you really think when you get to heaven, you'll look around and say 'this is it?!?' "

This got me thinking to what has satisfied me and kept me content here. Are those things, those types of relationships really worth more than what God has to give? If you grew up in the Christian faith I think you lose a bit of the amazing-ness that the Creator of existence wants to know you and have a relationship with you. The One who knows and keeps running the tiny subatomic particles, the millions of cells in your body that live and die and are replenished, the quasars and supernovas and millions of solar systems within millions of galaxies...yes this God who came down to become a man like any other man except he wasn't, he was fully God and fully man and who died for us even though he knows what kind of people we are. It's come to the point where the mention of God's name and presence has become something mundane, ordinary, even boring. Party-crashing mood killer.

A chore, a task, a 'I have to do 'x' to be in right standing with God, so I wont have to do or be 'y' later'. Really? I don't think I fully grasp or respect the enormity of what is being offered to me on a daily, moment by moment basis either. I don't think that we really want to think about it, much less do something about it. Yeah God, this is the people that you've loved and created, a bunch of small-minded selfish idiots. 

Ah good I'm not God..

Well, I can change. I can choose to appreciate what I have and realize that it is through God's grace that I have what I have and am who I am. I am blessed. I'm alive! I'm blessed to be alive. I can talk to God about the good and the bad in prayer. I know that I am loved, even if I don't feel like it. I may sometimes forget your presence God (ok often I forget) but more often than I used to I remember that Jesus is there with me. I know that I am changing for the better, for the glory of you God. I see your hand in situations more than before. I am constantly being challenged in different ways and know that your work with me is not through yet. Far from what you want me to be but far from what I was. 

I really do need to appreciate you God more. And enjoy the moment versus trudging through grudgingly as if there was nothing I would like more than to not be there..

Consolation: "The Lord doesn’t see things the way you see them. People judge by outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart." 1 Samuel 16:7

So much goodness right there.

you can tell a lot about a person depending on how he or she reacts when he or she does not get what they want. how he or she acts when he or she dislikes someone. see it's easy to think that that person is great when nothing is going on or when that person likes you or wants to use you but otherwise..ok i need to stop looking at the negative.

you all have something lovable, a nice huggable squishable side.. some just needs a little extra digging, thats all.

you are all so amazing and funny and
likeable and yearnable that i want to be around you
and at the same time too much around you-ness
equals i need to get away or else my heart
will overflow with too many you-ness
cuz...

!!!

yes nothings better than you-ness!! 

youre just that awesome

if i look too long my face will cramp or twitch
cuz ur presence is so affecting
that i cant help but be affected!
if my smile seems a little too slow
its because my senses are.. are maxed out
on the overstimulation of youness!
thats why i have to look away
and if youre frowning or scowling
hey i frown and scowl too!
and its not necessarily cuz of you
im just a grump grump

oh we may not love each other
or like each other
maybe we piss off each other
like anader maader
but its ok!
cuz theres Someone who loves us anyways!
and i may not love you but i may lub lubs youuuu
yay!

cuz nothings no nothings yeah nothings better than yoooo-ooooouuuuuuuuuuu!

ok ill stop.  stop from giving u the cootchi coooo aww youre so cute yes you are yes i gotta stop myself from grabbing you you fine specimen of a human! ;)  mmhmm.. whoo that was good

Im a fangirl. Not the kind who wants to marry the person they are fangirling over, but the kind who places that person in a relationship with someone they're close to. For instance, a group member with another group member. I wont go into details. You wont want to know.

Anyway, lately Ive been into the kpop craze, something Ive been trying to avoid. Right now, the kpop boy group Beast has got my attention and unlike with other kpop groups, I like their visual style and their music. My bias is Doojoon, the leader who is goofy and adorkable:

That's right boy bite into it.

Yummy.. _______D=

Even though he is not the best looking, the most skilled or the most charismatic in the group, I'm weak for guys who are cheerful/goofy, caring and who act crazily freely. Since I dont wanna become obsessed over this group, I had to vent ... this is for you fangirls (and boys) out there. You know who you are

if i could have you hold you and

not be ashamed

love you, kiss you

and not feel dazed

cuz youre beautiful, wonderful

even if, especially if we're nothing the same

you are

you are

so far away, an ocean in between

if i take your hand

the warmth would warm my heart

and disappear as either one

steps off to the side

id be one face

that you may or may not see

for a second

if our eyes meet

you wouldnt notice

id leave

these useless thoughts

the useless feelings

i wanna be freed and yet i still think

of howd it be like with you with me

and i see see see

that youd never know me

and i should just let go

stop watching you now

stop wanting someone that i can never have

cuz you know if i had you

who knows what would happen

you dont like me, i dont like you

this is just an image

maybe im desperate

maybe i just want someone

you dont even know who i am

i gotta let you go

gotta let you go

youre not even mine

i gotta let you go

let you go

now, tonight

i'll go

~~

dangit

So..for the past few months Ive been having some financial issues. Ive been wondering how I would be able to give what God has told me to give and still have enough to pay my tuition and the car that I gotta get in a year.
For one month, I stopped giving out of fear and alot of rationalizing - that hey I got bills to pay, textbooks and heck ODU is expensive. The next month I gave about half, outta guilt and because I wanted to send something, just not the entire amount. This month, I decided that I would not be ruled by money, that I was given this to be a steward of it and I was gonna give it where God wants me to give the moo. I made this decision and trusted that God would provide. And He did.
The exact amount He told me to give was provided for in my paycheck.
Glory to God

Such a sweet, tender ending. And gently bittersweet. When I watched the first episode, I didn't know what the heck this anime was gonna be like. And as I found myself halfway through, and when I was near the end, I still didn't know if what I was watching was worth the time. But the final episode, and the passing, made the journey of watching these people meaningful. To see the happiness, and the decision that everyone made, the closeness that was created from the struggles. I've cried before in final episodes before, over grief when someone dies. But for this I'm not even sure why exactly I'm so touched. Maybe it's that that one character finds redemption, acceptance, love. That when he saw that his time had come, he wasn't afraid, or emotionally pained. No, he had known, he had lived and loved, and he was content. Maybe a little was for the one who was left behind, and with the last small actions we see, showed the depths of how much he cared. Thank you, Nabari no Ou.

Dear God help me, cuz I need it.

It is too too easy, to hate certain people. Im talking people who act friendly to your face, but as soon as they get in a group of their own they tear you down. Im talking two-faced people who are too afraid to come to you when they have an issue with you, so they talk smack about you AND they get others to do it too. People who you thought were decent, well surprise. Well, I shouldn't be surprised, I should have learned long ago not to trust a smiling person just cuz they seem friendly.

When I got in the car, the song playing was talking about forgiveness and another about not quitting in the situation. Im not going to let this affect me more than it already has. Yeah, I get crap from work with people who try to keep me from advancing. They want to keep me trapped or they want me quitting. I'll admit, there's things that I've done wrong. Sometimes I gave people nasty looks without meaning to, with no malice or ill intent behind it. Sometimes the things I say or do can be misinterpreted negatively. And if you want to hate me and get your buddies to do it too, you're not the first. And you're not the only ones whom I've outlasted. I might be sad now, hurt cuz some part of me trusted you, but I learn from my mistakes. Im not gonna stop what I have to do. God help me cuz I want to be resentful and strike back and be just as nasty and cruel as you. But that'd be sin winning, and I don't want any part of that. It's more than church. It's more than doing what's right. I don't want that darkness staining me no matter how much I'm surrounded by it. I'm here asking what would Jesus would want me to do. I know some people will say 'confront them, attack them back. Don't let them get away with it'. Others would say 'ignore them. They're not worth it'.

Forgiveness. When nothing was wrong, I thought it was easy. I thought how hard could it be, for a mom to forgive the person who killed her daughter in a drunk driving accident? In the heat of the moment, it was the hardest thing to do. The hardest when you haven't done anything and yet you know, that you can't hold this bitterness against them. Well, time to bake some lemon cookies tomorrow ^^


Note: At bible reading with the fam tonight, on my turn to read out loud I came across this verse

Proverbs 9: 7-9


7 Anyone who rebukes a mocker will get an insult in return.
    Anyone who corrects the wicked will get hurt.
8 So don’t bother correcting mockers;
    they will only hate you.
But correct the wise,
    and they will love you.
9 Instruct the wise,
    and they will be even wiser.
Teach the righteous,
    and they will learn even more.


God answers =)  Thank you so much Jesus

thank you juu too!!


⁷ 

I never knew..that heating up rice vinegar would smell like the sweat you get on your feet when you wear cheap leather sandals in the sun. Or the smell of dried period blood after a heavy night. Ughh... the smell is permeating the house..please don't stick on me D=

Today is apparently meant to be a day of self-critique. When I think of how when people see me and know that I believe in Christ, I cringe. I can see it now..that look of "Uhuh. Right. Mmhmm Christ. Tch look at you. I dont want to be anything like you. I dont need your God. You're probably one of those self-righteous stuck up people. Yeah, I see you judging me. You dont know shat." 

How can someone like me be used? Heck I cant even keep my facial expressions straight much less my tone of voice and attitude. Someone ugly like me, that no one would feel the love of Jesus much less want to hear about it. You dont have to be around me for long to know how unloving I can be. Im not someone that you would want to hang out with.

So what then? What does this say, about God? After despairing about it on the way home, I found an answer that I should have known deep in my heart already. Instead of me being a horrible splotch on God's name, I'm proof of how loving He is. That even someone as unlovable as me is loved by God. That's right, I'm not looking down on you and neither is He. He knows our faults and He knows our sins and He loves us despite all of that, wants us to become the people that He meant us to become, to accept what He did on the cross through Jesus to redeem us from..us. From what we've become through sin. 

I still see my impurities, they are obvious and in my face and they come out in contact with others. I see how ugly I am when I'm around other people, especially with people I don't really like, especially around people who don't really like me. It's nasty stuff, and I despise it. I hate the parts of me that I don't let Jesus have control over, and guess what, I'm too stubborn and afraid and I stick to what I've been doing instead of trusting the one who made me. It's gonna be hard to break the habit. But I'm forgiven and I've been cleansed by the blood of someone who knew me and loved me so much that he died for me, that I wouldn't have to suffer if only I believe. This is the real love, this is the kind of love I hope to know so much that I'm filled to overflowing and that love spills and washes over others. 

I dont know why Im like this, why Im becoming more and more like this. Ill complain to you, my dear, because no one should have to suffer through my negativities. There are far more pressing troubles that other people have to deal with than my minor issues.

More and more, Im finding myself not wanting to be around anyone. It doesnt matter who they are-but that is a lie. Im (relatively) fine with strangers, but become uncomfortable around people who know me or I them. Its not right for me to be like this. Im torn between wanting to love people, wanting to be around people but unnoticed, to wanting to not be around anybody. The last one has been winning so far, and when it does I feel the vacuum, the lack of love towards the very ones I should be loving the most, which is everybody. So many excuses of why I cannot willnot.

I dont want to be like this. Of feeling trapped in a room of people, trapped in a conversation (if you could call it that), insecure, apathetic, drained. Of feeling secure and content, alone. When someone comes and approaches me, stepping out of their way to come talk to me and me panicking or shutting down. It's so selfish and childish, that I feel ashamed. If I do something nice, Holy Spirit help me, I'd want it to be anonymous. I hate it when someone comes to me with a smile and because Im not feeling up to talking I end up trying to fake a smile and a convo instead of feeling sincerely grateful and appreciative of this person. And then you know, doing my part by coming up to someone else and trying to get to know them. Not this hollow life-less being that Ive become and been.

Where is God seen in all of this? Im not surprised that many dont like me, heck I dont like me either. It used to hurt alot when someone didnt want me around, sometimes it still does, but I dont feel anything anymore not from a sense of maturity but from a sense of not wanting to be there either. And even that is half true, its a tangled sense of wanting to be there, that I should be doing something, talking and getting to know the people that Im with to wanting to escape out into the open where I can see the sky and feel the breeze and feel free. And I know that that is not how I should be feeling, people are not threats, the real threat is the ideas that seep into our subconscious, the lies fed by Satan that I am most likely wallowing in.

I want to say that this non-social solitary me is me, a large part of me, so screw you if you dont like it. It is me, has been since as far as I can remember when I read books instead of playing house in kindergarden. I like being alone outside, taking a walk and seeing the splendor of the almighty Creator, reading a book. But God didnt save me and keep me here so that I can selfishly fulfill my needs. He wants and knows I can become a better person, to be better used by him. I know that too, thus the struggle and guilt and shame. I need to find a balance, of enjoying time being alone to enjoying being with other people. Maybe learn to enjoy talking-tchyeahhh. Putting others' needs first.

Im the doubtful man asking from God, a wave tossed in the ocean as what the book James says and what Pastor Mike talked about today. What I had planned on doing today with cbs was thrown out because I didnt have the guts to approach, I got pessimistic, I could physically feel my walls slamming down around me. I need to become what Matt preached about on Friday, about seeking out God and doing His will and becoming a blessing to those around me. Where is my faith, that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me? The trust that God will shine in my weaknesses?

As I sat driving, windows down, watching an orange jaguar race a red ford truck and fail, I thought about my company closing down. About not getting enough hours to pay tuition. Found myself asking God that if what I was doing was what He wanted, then He would provide the way and the money. About how I was going to keep donating when I knew it would hurt more than before. About the car I wanted. Started thinking that if things got really desperate then maybe I would re-enter the bloody nursing program just to have some real money.

As I got to the driveway, after randomly flipping through channels, I stayed on Klove and heard the announcer say 'If we stayed in our houses out of fear, then we wouldn't see what God has in plan for us'. If not quoted verbatim then close enough. He may have been referencing the Colorado shootings, but to me just then, that house of fear was my head full of thoughts that were afraid to take a risk. So afraid to not have enough, to be enough. I'm not saying that I'm perfect now the way I am, cuz Lord knows what a piece of ..fine work that I am. But I gotta stop making these choices out of fear or letting fear stop me from making choices.

Sometimes..you reach a new level of stupidity that you thought you would never hit. I think I hit that bottom right now

you know you're becoming addicted when you're late to work just cuz you wanted to watch onnnne more video...

Ahhh... I need to learn to handle situations like that, just smile and be amused ^____^

((#@*#(*#@)()+_#)+_#)@_#@+_)#+_)@+#@_ how can a girl be so ($*$*(#*%^#*&%^#*!_)

the small smiles/smirks she gives when she notices the cam *-* so charming! what a friekin good nature

ok enough, enough sha this is starting to go overboard you will NOT get all crazy over this chick. you will not. not. im gonna watch it one more time..

This is bad. This is becoming bad. See, when I was into Japanese music, the guys who were prettier than many girls caught my eye, partially because I hadnt seen such a thing before and partially because they stood out from their manly counterparts. But I eventually got over that fangirl obsession (and the desire to look like a pretty boy).

Or so I thought. Here steps in Amber from the kpop band F(x), dressed with more swag and style and cuter than the many guys that Ive seen. 

AUUUUGGGHHHH! 

SOOOOO CUUUUUUTTTEEEE O_______________O

<3 <3 <3

Alright enough. Im no longer a kid, with childish fangirly tendencies (tchahahah right). Ahem. But I am inspired. Apparently this chick is a Christian and naturally a tomboy. She is...was the epitome of how I wanted to look like a few years ago. Which is fine. Now all I need to do is stop watching the group's music videos over and over again just so I can stare at her (and secretly want to be like her).

Dont get me wrong, Im straight. I have always found guys attractive. Posting pics of the guys that I think are hot would be endless and kinda pointless. Its just that a part of me is girly and another part of me wants to be different from all the other chicks.

A close fight that could have had either boxer considered a winner: Marquez vs Pacman last November. Personally I believe Marquez was winning since he was in control of the fight but the last few rounds where he stepped back and relaxed ruined the belt for him.

Tonight's win was not so much the judging of skill between two boxers as it was a game of making the most money from the sport. If they wanted to prolong Manny's stay in boxing (and Im not suggesting that it's Manny who wants this) then they should have given the win to Marquez last year (but they wouldnt cuz that would be too many Marquez vs Pacman rematches).

But Im not gonna put down Bradley. He tried his best, took those punches, and gave back what he could. He didnt back down, and he gave the last round as spectacular of a performance as he was able. He had undeniable spirit. Pacman's statements after the fight showed his maturity and gave glory to God which was the best thing to see and hear all night.

Whether this brings the Pacman vs Mayweather fight closer or farther apart, who knows. But it's pretty sure that after those two do fight, the interest in boxing will wane since we'll know the outcome of who's the best boxer in this generation (something I'm sure the uppers will try to prevent for as long as possible). I'm torn between wanting to see Manny fight as hard as he can for as long as he can while understanding that he's pretty much fought those worth fighting already except for Mayweather. (I still want a Marquez vs Manny rematch dangit)

Ah, I'll just sit back and enjoy watching Manny while I can.

Alright so I finally check up on where one of the kids I sponsor lives and judging from the name of the bible center, he comes from an aeta tribe in the P.i.

Now I've heard of these people before, my mom and dad talking about these small dark people who live in the mountains and who were in the Philippines before all the other (Malay?) peeps moved in. Wiki'ed them and google imaged and - man the kids are so cute and adorable. My kid maybe a little more cute than the rest of them haha. So what if they have dark skin and curly hair? Tan, pale, who cares?

I chose him because of his last name - Handog. Reminded me of the term 'hangdog'. But his picture looked anything but. He looked like he was a little rebellious. He looked like a fighter.

I didn't want people to judge him by his name, or guessing from the picture, his small stature. I want him to grow up strong, to become a great leader, to go back to his parents who are living in a tribe and to tell them that hey, there is one God out there, He gave His son Jesus, and He died and rose from the dead on a cross to save you, and He has saved me. Just how amazing would that be???? It would be great to meet him and the rest of his folks one day.

~~~

Looking up these pictures makes me proud of my heritage. So many different dialects, styles of traditional dress, etc. It makes me sad when we 2nd gen filipinos/as put down our culture, like its a lesser one than say that of Japan or S. Korea. There's nothing to be ashamed of being pinoy! Now to learn the language..aheheh

God is so good. I've been wondering how I was going to pay tuition, help out if needed at home, and still do what God told me to do with my money and still have enough. But just as He provided me my first job, He provided me my second =) I can honestly say, that I did nothing to deserve either.

Lately, He has been working on my attitude, cuz let's face it, my attitude sucks. I get negative and cynical pretty quickly. I may not speak many curses, but I dont speak many blessings either. I want to have that 'can-do' attitude, that persistence, determination and optimism that many shounen main manga characters have, you know those guys with the spiky hair and wide smiles who are doing crazy things despite the situation and common sense. I want to be that kinda crazy

If I give in to the thought that everywhere I go I'll be hated, I'm letting the devil win.
If I give in to the thought that I cannot change, I'm letting the devil win.
If I give in to the thought that the past is who I am, I'm letting the devil win.
If I give in to the thought that I should just avoid people again, I'm letting the devil win.
If I give in to the thought that I'm the one who makes people miserable and therefore should not exist in their presence, I'm letting the devil win.
If I give in to the thought that just because the present is like this thus I cannot do anything about it, I'm letting the devil win.

I'm not holding anything against anyone. I don't know what happened, but there is a strange mood in the church. A feeling of hurt and animosity, and maybe Im just incredibly self-conceited but I feel like it's because of me. I hate that feeling.

When I came to koinoinia or however you spell it on Wednesday night, as the worship songs filled the room, I felt like a beggar walking into the presence of angels. I felt like what I had done on Monday night was known by everyone and I felt ashamed and guilty. Whether that's true or not I dont know, since I didnt bother to ask why people didn't look as happy as they did before.

I got a similar feeling walking in this morning. Of being unworthy to stand in the presence of God. I felt, acutely, the lack of love in my heart. That I had not been walking with Him as I had before. I had stepped back, stumbled along the way and I knew - I know that I needed Him, desperately.

My devotion yesterday was about getting through the disagreeable moments with God. Today's is about rising to whatever occasion I might find myself in with God by choosing to manifest Jesus - that no I could not work my salvation but yes I could choose to express the Jesus within me.

Stuff put to the challenge yesterday, that ultimately led me to walking out of the house, mostly to cool down. Usually, when my mom gets upset, it doesnt bother me that much, but lately it has been. Maybe its the thought that I cant leave the house to do something or do whatever it was that I had planned since she's now there all the time, unless I make up something acceptable, like I have work. Maybe it was because her comments were either trying to control what I was doing by telling me I could do this or I couldnt do that or she was criticizing and threatening me the other half of the time. Small things, but I couldnt handle it. So after telling her what was on my mind and getting slapped a few times, when she kept telling me to leave the house, I did.

Completely failed my devotion there. I walked around, sat down on an island of grass, got bit by mosquitoes, knew that if I was going to run away that what I was doing was foolish, thought about what I would have to do.  Got rained on and felt my anger and irritation disappear. Just felt tired. As I decided to walk out of the housing district and thought about which building to go to, my dad appeared in the van. Felt my pride and stubborness flare up, but when he said he wanted to talk, I came to him. And so I apologized to my mom for my behavior, and felt ashamed for having caused a commotion that got the family upset.

So this is what happens when I rely on my own strength. When I was getting upset, I forgot to talk to God to see what He wanted like I had a few times before and instead became increasingly selfish and discontent. I felt like I couldnt do what I had to do, like at work or in other places where I dont socialize out of fear, awkwardness, plain ignorance, lack of social skills, or a stubborness not to (this is who I am, dont try to change me kinda attitude). When all I had to do was look towards God.

At the risk of sounding like a paranoid conspiracist:

In a yahoo article about red snappers in the Gulf of Mexico having black bands and sores on their bodies due to the oil spill or the agents used to clean up the waters, a commenter joked that McDonalds was now going to give free/cheap deals on a McFish sandwich to get rid of the diseased fish.

So when I started seeing the free deals on those Burger King coupons about burgers, my mind started twitching about why they would do such a thing (besides to get more customers). It didnt help that I heard on the NPR news that there was a case of a dairy cow with mad cow disease but that it was 'proven' as an isolated case on the April of this year. It also didnt help that I saw more restaurants also doing the buy one burger get another free deals (trying not to drop behind Burger King, eh). Yes, there are other free deals as well, and maybe the chances of actually contracting the disease is pretty low, but I dont love burgers enough to risk it.

My mom lost her job today... and I know we'll be fine. Because God said that 'No one will be able to stand up against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you.' Josh 1:5. Same goes with what goes on at work, no matter what happens, I know that God cares for me and 'causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.' Rom 8:28.

And coming to purpose. I have the opportunity to go to a missions trip to Mexico for a week and Im wondering if its worth it. There is no joy in going if I know that the money that I saved up will be better used to help my parents out or for the church's mission center. I got the time off approved at work. I got my mom's permission. But I dont have the urgency. I know that if I dont go this year, I can go next year - it doesnt have to be Mexico, it doesnt have to be with the same organization. Im kind of winging it, that if I get the money saved by the deadline then I'll go. I also feel reluctant to tell other people about the trip..I dont want them getting these high expectations of me that I cant fill, I dont want it to be declared in front of everyone x_x are those loser-ish thoughts?

As I looked for some verses online that dealt with our financial situation, I came across Isaiah 42:16: 

I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them.

Some wonderful stuff right there, got my inner spirit tingling. I mean, how can you fear when you've got such a mighty promise from an awe-full and all-powerful God? Gotta memorize these verses so I can use them since my mental file of verses is moot and I dont wanna spend all those times suppressing a panic-mode from reoccurring. All these promises that Im not holding onto, foolish really..

While trying to see the context of ^ I came across some more tastiness:

'I, the Lord, have called you in righteousness; I will take hold of your hand. I will keep you and will make you to be a covenant for the people and a light for the Gentiles, to open the eyes that are blind, to free captives from prison and to release from the dungeon those who sit in darkness'. Isaiah 42: 6-7 

Sure God, take my hand anytime =) Those words are not the words of someone who sees me as filth, those are the words of love that show me a world where I can be a part of mighty things to be done, chains released, demons vanquished for the one and only I Am -

'I am the Lord; that is my name! I will not yield my glory to another or my praise to idols. See, the former things have taken place, and new things I declare; before they spring into being I announce them to you'. Isaiah 42: 8-9

whooo! nothing and no one compares

This is gonna come off as incredibly conceited ...

I have no friekin idea why guys like me so stop attacking me. It's not like I'm flirting with them for )#*@)*#@__@@. Trust me, I dont see what the big deal is either

(sorry for spoilers if anyone is late in coming across this in the series)

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but this picture pretty much sums up how i want my life to be like

I feel like I'm at a stage where I need to excuse myself. Excuse me, I didn't mean to appear standoff-ish, cold or distant. Sorry, I didn't mean to make you look bad. No, I'm not trying to point a finger at everyone and complain about how much they suck. I'm fully aware that what I've been through aint nothing - compared to others. Im also not going to do what I did in the past and act like what ive been through aint nothing either. As I look back, those moments where I felt captive as Pastor Mike mentions were not in vain. I learned some things about myself that I needed to change, and I learned how to get out of those traps with the amazing wonderful God Almighty. I got tougher and stronger, not to say that I did, but to ready myself for the next step and to tell others who have been in similar situations the way out - Christ.

It just makes me sad or angry when I see people act the way they do sometimes. I'm not trying to be the judgmental Hand of God or the self-righteous Christian. I dont think Im better than anybody. I usually tend to think Im worse than others. It does piss me off when I see people act like theyre better than everyone else. Or that they gotta put someone down to feel better. But whatever.


I think that sometimes, when we've gone through something and see others struggle with something and speak about how they feel they cant handle it that we look down on them. 'Oh, bull you think that's bad??? Tch, that aint nothing.' Just cuz everyone 'goes through it' or has to deal with it doesnt mean that it's wrong to talk about it. Cuz talking about it really means (at least in my head) that you're admitting you need help, not necessarily that you're expecting help from the people you are talking to but that you need someone to know and let you know that it'll be ok. Right? And there's nothing wrong with needing help. Or is it that people are so tired of negativity that they'd rather not talk or hear about it? 'You wanna complain about your bf you better carry your tail back on where you've came from cuz you're ruining my mood'. Like that? o_O


There's this burden, pressure that I need to do something, say something, that the way Im living right now is not enough. I sense people's expectations, and I'm tempted to respond to that instead of because I have to, want to, need to in order to grow deeper in God. It feels good to find that what used to bother me I am no longer as affected by - still sensitive, but hopefully more sensitive towards what God wants me to be tender-hearted towards and not towards my pride and self-esteem crying like a lil wussy.

The closer I get to you, oh God, the more of myself I despise. This flesh that is so weak that when I hear you tell me to do something, I refuse and am happy in my disobedience. I'm torn between wanting to tell everyone about Jesus and being trapped on how to do it -  as soon as I feel the urge a wall slams my nerves down and I cant move. So I sit or stand awkwardly, silently waiting for something to happen, for either me or the other person to leave. When I see someone less than happy, I want to do something but shuffle between indecision and ignorance of how to approach. I'm still in that cage of fear, and I hate it. There are times when Im free, but when I need to make the first move towards someone or open up I usually end up freaking out instead. Ive been set free, free, FREE to be the 'head, not the tail. If you pay attention to the commands of the LORD your God that I give you this day and carefully follow them, you will always be at the top, never at the bottom.' Deut 28:13. Not the worm that i often see myself as.

Now Im making it seem all negative when really this week was amazing. Seeing your hand in your creation, in the nuances and details of nature, reading about how to be more like you. Overcoming trials and hopefully bringing glory to you meanwhile. Enjoying your presence. Hopefully becoming more of what you wanted me to be - more like you.

I know Im so far from that. That if you look at me, you may not think the best things about me. You might think that I'm so far from what a Christian should be that I have no right to call myself one. You might think, 'whats the big fuss about?' Thats fine with me...see cuz the one I should be pleasing is God, which is such a tremendous goal when you think about all that entails, all that He asks which is everything, and such a relief.

4.23.12

I have been wondering and struggling with why people are so negative, so mean towards others, so cruel. The answer I had known but I had not connected it to what I was seeing until this preaching that I am currently listening to. Sin. Darkness. The evil that I was seeing, that I was despising and being hurt by others was sin. And im not talking about times when you’re just tired, or you’re not having a good day – im talking about the willful, fully conscious, desire and action of cruelty.

After hearing so many times that we are born in sin, and that we all are sinners, and after reading verses such as “we love the darkness more than the light”, it didn’t all mesh inside my head until having it clarified by this preacher. That the people who do this, the people who hate others and often times delight in it, they don’t know God. Suddenly, it all made sense.  And for those who do know God but act like this, well, we still fall.  Maybe not as often, but we willingly repent and try not to do it again (sometimes) with prayer and the Holy Spirit.

And so then I think about all the people I know that exhibit these natural tendencies of ours, and it’s a lot. It’s all of us.  Our naturally sinful humanly humanness. I am guilty of not being Christ-like throughout the day more often than I would like. Not so much as tearing people down than as being complacent in satan’s arms.  Lusting over Nesly and not resisting, wanting to fall into fantasies.  Being distracted by the world’s pleasures, gobbling food and being ruled by the weaknesses of my body and mind.  It’s a struggle throughout the day, a never-ending battle, but not a battle without hope, and not a war that is lost. Jesus Christ has saved and redeemed us of all of that.

But falling into our humanity, our old selves, our old ways.  There is no excuse for that.  I don’t want an artificial semblance of joy, of peace, of love.  I want the real thing. I want it for the people that I find it hard to be around, which for me is most people most of the time.  I don’t want to be caged in by myself or by the devil.  And God wants it too, or he would not have chased us throughout all these years, would not have given us his son or his word. 

The preacher takes it one step forward by using the verses that state that God gave us knowledge of his existence, that creation is a testimony as well to his presence, to say that those who still refuse to believe Jesus have rejected him. That after all of the revelation of God's existence, to not believe and to reject what He has offered and who He is is the ultimate sin.

As I read and listen to this sermon, a part of me thinks that it’s too radical, almost unbelievable – a thought I once had years before when reading in the bible about Jesus proclaiming himself as God. That what Jesus was saying was so crazy, so out there that there could only be two options: he was speaking the truth or he was crazy, friekin nuts. I felt a coldness inside as I thought about that, that there was a decision to be made, that I could choose to accept whether what Jesus was saying was true, or I could close the bible. I heard in my head the teachings that I had heard about Christianity. I felt a pressure that was almost like anxiety, and then I decided that yes, I would accept what Jesus said. Was that the point of when I was really saved? I don’t know, im not sure, I cant point out an exact time or date when I knew with absolute clarity that I was saved – all I remember are (many) moments when I put my faith in Him.

Even as I listen and read this sermon, my fleshy part kicks in and wants to be judgemental (listen to the way he preaches, the tone of his voice is kinda..condescending, isn’t it? Don’t you want to be offended? Its kind of annoying how he repeats some phrases. Geez, can the person typing this sermon down do it more accurately, or at least not write down every word so it makes more sense??). ah satan, I see what you’re trying to do. Part of me wants to and is looking for ways to discredit what this man is saying. Another and more larger part sees and knows it for truth, a harsh and unrelenting but a much-needed truth.

Ah..and coming to the end of the message. It feels good to know that what you were praying and hoping for yourself to do is what the preacher wanted you to do (drive it into ur thick fat skull EHHH!?!?!) and this is his prayer for you.

And I guess it comes down to this: we were given eyes to discern what is right and what is wrong, to see with the Holy Spirit…. And then to DO something about it.  Cuz my feeling bad about myself or disliking the other person does what? Changes what? I guess..that we were meant to see the ugliness of the world for a reason: first to expose it (as light does, as james said two bible studies ago) and then to tell of Jesus, the cross and the redemption that is possible only through Him. How convinced, how deeply embedded is this truth in me – to the point of conviction that Paul and the other disciples had that lead into action?

http://www.gty.org/resources/sermons/1556

you know what, bs? just cuz ur thrown at me, doesnt mean that i gotta carry it

ta ta!!

I really wished I was at church instead of work.. must keep in mind of my babes who are gonna need that bank  - cuz otherwise if it was for me, I wouldn't care. Let my joy not be stolen. Help me God to not conform to the culture but to excel and bring you glory - to have you shine in everything I do and to everyone I meet. All these pressures in my mind to be a certain way, let me relinquish them at your feet, and enjoy the moment. Kinda like this woman:

The way she just gets lost in the music, oh if only I could sing *-* I mean, imagine what service would be like if all the worshipers just got crazy in the love of God and started dancing like David in the bible??

if i ever get into bellydancing, it would be something like this:

Since Ive turned 24 today, I probably should write down what ive learned so far and what I am planning to do, to improve for the rest of the year. And I would have, I would have written that a few hours ago. But right now, I didn’t mean to, but im feeling my heart ache..and no its not the fast food or the shake that I ate a few hours ago. My heart aches for love..for someone to love. To love that somebody… I keep praying to God to please remove this feeling, because I want nothing to do with it.

I see your face, and I remember, I remember

All the little moments, little moments that

May not have added to anything, to anything at all

But I still hold onto those thoughts even though they slip

And I reject them, and I reject you, and yet there you still are

Even though there is nothing between us

Even though I want to see you, I don’t want to be with you

How many times you wicked wicked heart have you done this

Falling in love with this, with that, with him, and another him, and another

These transient feelings that drift and change and hurt

That hurt them

You stupid girl, you foolish woman, cruelly thoughtless

This isn’t loneliness, is it? Im not lonely

Im just fine being alone, its preferred really

Im fine just seeing you

I don’t even know what to say, what to do with you

I want to hug you, see you laugh, smile, and be free

I want to grab your tie and pull your face close to mine

I can imagine the kisses, the kids, the sun, the sound of music

The worship from a thousand tongues

A thousand hands held high in prayer and in abandon to God

And us being a part of that holy symphony

I can imagine you being with someone else, someone better suited

Someone that brings you alive, that brings out your best

The two of you laughing and hugging each other

Sitting beside each other in complete comfort

I can see myself with someone else, someone maybe a little more like me

I can see the two of us happy

That’s why I wish this away…

New goal: Run faster, longer!

I still got that anger inside me God. The frustration, the pain, and I cant hide it. I cant pretend that everythings fine. The smallest things can unleash it, and it mostly deals with my inadequacy.

Sometimes I wonder if I hadn’t been a believer, if u would have bothered

That I had to prove myself before you’d even take the chance

To try, to be nice

And even now I still have to prove myself

That its not gonna be ever enough for you

I feel the weight of that burden

To try and be like the rest of ya’ll and I know

For a fact that its not gonna happen

So what now

We’re all different peoples brought together by the single person

But if we weren’t believers, then you wouldn’t couldn’t hear us

Cuz we didn’t make the cut of your cut-out Jesus

We didn’t fit the mold of how you thought people should be and

Im wondering about all the other people out there that people

Don’t think about and people don’t care

What does it take for us to get over ourselves and our preconceptions

And our hate of what’s different from that of our own making

The illusions that keep us separated, mutilated by the imperfections

Of man versus man or woman or the spectrum in between

God called us as one body, His body, owned by the Maker

Of our souls not to recline in repose but to reach out to those

Who wouldn’t have known what life was supposed to be like

We peoples getting caught up in the little things I

Too am one of these caught up in my own miseries the most

Selfish and ungrateful and still belittling myself and others

Stop the cycle, all these cracks and posts and hurtful words

These dirty thoughts, this vitriol that comes oozing out from my heart

God..change me first, change me first

I get angry at the people in church. At what looks like two-faced backstabbing. At the elitism. The hypocrisy. And then I look at myself, and I see such ugly things. Then I think of what people see when they look at me, and how it might not be Christ they're seeing, not your blood but my own. Lecrae's Just Like You reminded me that there are people watching, people looking for something real - and that they might be seeing the exact opposite of Christ in me. The responsibility of being a leader, of being a teacher, a disciple, a follower of Christ. If I can barely handle what is given to me, what does that tell about you? What will people think of Christians everytime I stumble? 

Been going through some issues. Can't live or go through life without coming across the rivers that you have to cross, the potholes that are too big that you can't drive around during rush hour. Im 23 and Ill be 24 in less than a week, and Im looking back and thinking of what Ive done and what I am planning to do. What does God really want from me? There is what Rick Warren calls the Great Commandment and the Great Commission. Right now Im just asking you God what path it is that you want me to take, clear my steps, be a light a lamp unto my feet. One step at a time. But a part of me wants to know the road, to be able to see the destination (besides heaven), the vision. Maybe this is an excuse, but I feel like I cant really live until I know.

Gotta keep my mind on Christ, otherwise

when im off that mountain’s high

Im swaying at the edge of my familiar abyss

One foot already sliding down

Mind already halfway under

I wonder how much trust how much faith I really have

That I take things the way they are and passively

Be misbelievin

That what I got now is what will always be

When will I see myself as having worth in your eyes

This fear’s got a grip on my mind and body

I fall so easily and I rely too much on my testimony

These walls that you torn down im still placing the bricks

Still walking around sick as if you cant heal me

I don’t wanna be weak when im needed

Acting like your death on the cross didn’t redeem us

Ive been hearing about fruits of the Spirit and find myself

Wondering again and again if im cutting it, if im still lacking

I know compared to your perfection I  aint nothing

But I wanted people to see you in me and if they see my scars

That they see that you aint a band-aid, that ive been purchased

By your blood, by your stripes, by the cross

That ive been healed, sealed, written on your hands

And these doubts and fears are erased daily, hourly, minutely

By the Son of Man

^Wrote (mind splattered) that last night and part of this morning. 

I also want a mentor, someone I can bounce ideas off freely without judgement, who I can get guidance from. A role model, someone I can relate to. My mind tells me that Jesus should be enough but I also want someone that I can speak to and get a quick answer in return (is that blasphemous? maybe). For the longest time, I looked at the women in my life and thought that I didnt want to be like them. I looked at my parents and saw their faults, and defined them by that, no matter how wrong that was. So I turned to guys, to anime and manga characters, and modeled my behavior by them. I dont think there is anything wrong by that, but..its not enough.

Hello ya'll.. this is me, unedited. I have this urge to tell the world what I think, what I feel, regardless of the worth of the idea expressed. Maybe this is cowardice, that I'm not telling you this face-to-face but hiding behind the screen. Ahh, well.

Why not have a journal that you physically write down the words? Why? Cuz it takes too long, really. It's quaint and nostalgic, but when I need to freethink the keyboard is more efficient. Plus, there is a chance that someone may see this and think - hey, I thought the same thing. I might be able to impact someone else who's been struggling in a Christ-glorifying, positive way.

So, who am I? Ive been struggling with the idea of my identity for a while now. Not the main label that I fall under but all the sub-genres and more minute aspects of who makes me, me. I know that I am a child of Christ, the one Creator, the great I Am. That's all that you really need to know. The rest will come and go.