I feel like I'm at a stage where I need to excuse myself. Excuse me, I didn't mean to appear standoff-ish, cold or distant. Sorry, I didn't mean to make you look bad. No, I'm not trying to point a finger at everyone and complain about how much they suck. I'm fully aware that what I've been through aint nothing - compared to others. Im also not going to do what I did in the past and act like what ive been through aint nothing either. As I look back, those moments where I felt captive as Pastor Mike mentions were not in vain. I learned some things about myself that I needed to change, and I learned how to get out of those traps with the amazing wonderful God Almighty. I got tougher and stronger, not to say that I did, but to ready myself for the next step and to tell others who have been in similar situations the way out - Christ.

It just makes me sad or angry when I see people act the way they do sometimes. I'm not trying to be the judgmental Hand of God or the self-righteous Christian. I dont think Im better than anybody. I usually tend to think Im worse than others. It does piss me off when I see people act like theyre better than everyone else. Or that they gotta put someone down to feel better. But whatever.


I think that sometimes, when we've gone through something and see others struggle with something and speak about how they feel they cant handle it that we look down on them. 'Oh, bull you think that's bad??? Tch, that aint nothing.' Just cuz everyone 'goes through it' or has to deal with it doesnt mean that it's wrong to talk about it. Cuz talking about it really means (at least in my head) that you're admitting you need help, not necessarily that you're expecting help from the people you are talking to but that you need someone to know and let you know that it'll be ok. Right? And there's nothing wrong with needing help. Or is it that people are so tired of negativity that they'd rather not talk or hear about it? 'You wanna complain about your bf you better carry your tail back on where you've came from cuz you're ruining my mood'. Like that? o_O


There's this burden, pressure that I need to do something, say something, that the way Im living right now is not enough. I sense people's expectations, and I'm tempted to respond to that instead of because I have to, want to, need to in order to grow deeper in God. It feels good to find that what used to bother me I am no longer as affected by - still sensitive, but hopefully more sensitive towards what God wants me to be tender-hearted towards and not towards my pride and self-esteem crying like a lil wussy.

The closer I get to you, oh God, the more of myself I despise. This flesh that is so weak that when I hear you tell me to do something, I refuse and am happy in my disobedience. I'm torn between wanting to tell everyone about Jesus and being trapped on how to do it -  as soon as I feel the urge a wall slams my nerves down and I cant move. So I sit or stand awkwardly, silently waiting for something to happen, for either me or the other person to leave. When I see someone less than happy, I want to do something but shuffle between indecision and ignorance of how to approach. I'm still in that cage of fear, and I hate it. There are times when Im free, but when I need to make the first move towards someone or open up I usually end up freaking out instead. Ive been set free, free, FREE to be the 'head, not the tail. If you pay attention to the commands of the LORD your God that I give you this day and carefully follow them, you will always be at the top, never at the bottom.' Deut 28:13. Not the worm that i often see myself as.

Now Im making it seem all negative when really this week was amazing. Seeing your hand in your creation, in the nuances and details of nature, reading about how to be more like you. Overcoming trials and hopefully bringing glory to you meanwhile. Enjoying your presence. Hopefully becoming more of what you wanted me to be - more like you.

I know Im so far from that. That if you look at me, you may not think the best things about me. You might think that I'm so far from what a Christian should be that I have no right to call myself one. You might think, 'whats the big fuss about?' Thats fine with me...see cuz the one I should be pleasing is God, which is such a tremendous goal when you think about all that entails, all that He asks which is everything, and such a relief.