Today is apparently meant to be a day of self-critique. When I think of how when people see me and know that I believe in Christ, I cringe. I can see it now..that look of "Uhuh. Right. Mmhmm Christ. Tch look at you. I dont want to be anything like you. I dont need your God. You're probably one of those self-righteous stuck up people. Yeah, I see you judging me. You dont know shat." 

How can someone like me be used? Heck I cant even keep my facial expressions straight much less my tone of voice and attitude. Someone ugly like me, that no one would feel the love of Jesus much less want to hear about it. You dont have to be around me for long to know how unloving I can be. Im not someone that you would want to hang out with.

So what then? What does this say, about God? After despairing about it on the way home, I found an answer that I should have known deep in my heart already. Instead of me being a horrible splotch on God's name, I'm proof of how loving He is. That even someone as unlovable as me is loved by God. That's right, I'm not looking down on you and neither is He. He knows our faults and He knows our sins and He loves us despite all of that, wants us to become the people that He meant us to become, to accept what He did on the cross through Jesus to redeem us from..us. From what we've become through sin. 

I still see my impurities, they are obvious and in my face and they come out in contact with others. I see how ugly I am when I'm around other people, especially with people I don't really like, especially around people who don't really like me. It's nasty stuff, and I despise it. I hate the parts of me that I don't let Jesus have control over, and guess what, I'm too stubborn and afraid and I stick to what I've been doing instead of trusting the one who made me. It's gonna be hard to break the habit. But I'm forgiven and I've been cleansed by the blood of someone who knew me and loved me so much that he died for me, that I wouldn't have to suffer if only I believe. This is the real love, this is the kind of love I hope to know so much that I'm filled to overflowing and that love spills and washes over others.